Belinda Hdz.'s Blog

Sorry I haven't been updating my vox. If I were still in master's, I'd have a TON of late time. But anyways, nothing much has been happening here in boring Emporia, KS. I've been looking for a job, but nothing's come up yet. I've been reading nonstop lately for I discovered a book in my bookshelf by Tedd Dekker called When Heaven Weeps. I cannot put it down! I'll be finishing it today. I've mostly been at home, taking care of my family in such ways as: cooking and cleaning since my mom is now working all throughout the day. I'm thorougly enjoying these tasks. I feel it really compliments P. Lawrence's prophecy over me as a Proverbs 31 woman.  

These past few weeks, I've been going to church and have not been spiritually encouraged. I'm better off on my own, but even that's been hard. But this past Tuesday, something happened at youth. Service started at six, so we opened up with prayer time, so I went off to the other end of the sanctuary and began to pray and all. Everyone else just stayed in their spots and began to pray or just stare off into space. I had a hard time praying. I had hurt my best friend Erik in a way no one should be hurt, and now he was ignoring me, wanting nothing to do with me. So my best friend wasn't talking to me. And it hurt so much. I was so broken inside because I hurt someone I cared about so much, and the only way he knew how to respond was to hurt me back. And he did. But he later apologized to me that night, and now our relationship is better than it was before.

But about the service. Worship was amazing! At least to a couple of us. Unless you paid attention the the substitute drummer who wasn't that great, or the lead singer who is also not that great. Or that the music wasn't prepared well. But worship is not about how great the band or the music is. It's about giving back to God all the praise and worship that He deserves. So worship was amazing! P. Israel talked about dating. It couldn't of been a more perfect time to talk about it than now. There's an 'unofficial couple' that shouldn't be dating because it's illegal, and there's people that are looking for a relationship. It was really great. In the end, what I received the most was to focus on God. Which is the word that Michael gave me right before graduation. Which is what I've been trying to do these past few weeks. It hasn't been easy. I've been wanting a relationship and I thought I found one, but I realized that I liked the idea of dating more than the guy. And I ended up hurting him.

But anyway, at the end of the service, we did an altar call and P. Israel had the worship team play some more songs. What happened next was amazing. You could feel God in that place. His presence was moving through us. People were praying aloud and for each other. I had the opportunity to pray for two girls and my sister. It was really weird because we've never prayed together, much less prayed for one another. It was also funny cause we couldn't stop laughing. And what I received the most out of the service was seeing my best friend Erik worship God. It was the most amazing sight ever. He had his eyes closed, his hands raised up and was singing and shouting aloud. He was stirring up the youth and praying for others. A true worship leader. I can't tell you how proud I was of him. He's always been a christian, but spiritually still a baby. I've been pushing him spiritually for over five years but to no avail. But then, that night I saw him as he was meant to be. He was at the spiritual level he should of been years ago. After five long, hard years of encouraging and pushing/getting in his face, God finally answered my prayers. Erik still has a long ways to go, but he is finally taking spiritual responsibility for himself. I'm so excited for what God is going to do in his life.  

So... I'm home. And it's bittersweet. Actually, I don't want to be home to be honest. I want to go back to OKC. I miss my MC family!!! I miss the city. I miss the freedom I had. I miss the rules and accountability of Master's. But I know I'm going to really grow this summer. God has shown me throughout the past ten months who I really am in Christ. Now, I have the chance to live that out.

Over the past couple of weeks, I've really hardened my heart towards some people. I haven't been caring towards them. Part of me wants nothing to do with them. And that's not right at all. I've just been hurt, disappointed, let down so many times and I'm tired of it (I've done my share also). I've come to not expect anything from them. They say something and they never follow through. I don't get my hopes up anymore. 

So, I just got back from dress shopping with Jessica; yeah, dress shopping baby. And let me tell you, I look good! I'm gonna look great come Saturday and Sunday. It's black and my accent color will be green. I love green!!!

So, I've been thinking about heading home sometime in the afternoon on the 29th and not spending my birthday here on the 30th since I wouldn't have a way home that day. That would mean I'd miss out on getting baptized the 29th. I'd miss out on the celebration and volleyball and the fireworks. But God is so awesome. I almost convinced myself that it would be okay if I didn't get baptized. It's just a baptism. But this morning, we began to pray and declare that curses are turning into blessings. And that reminded me of my family. My family that's lost and headed for destruction. And I remembered why I was getting baptized. It was so the generational curses would be broken and turn into blessings. It was to declare that my family will be saved. I look forward to that day of salvation.

So, part of me likes hard work. I love how I get so into what I'm doing that I forget to think.I love how it takes so much energy to do something, like picking up heavy tables, or mopping a floor. I just get such great satisfaction after I finish cleaning the activity center. Those tables are hard to lift up because they're so heavy. I'm in a sweat by the time I'm done. And mopping is a lot harder than it looks. You're constantly bending over and it's not good on your back. And by the time I'm done, I'm worn out. But I love it. I grew up doing hard work. It's funny 'cause when I'm not doing hard work, I feel useless. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm trying to learn how to relax. And it hasn't been easy.

So, we'll be graduating soon, June 29th to be exact. Most of us will be staying here in OKC for the summer, but we won't be part of the structure called Master's Commission. We'll be on our own. Today, P. Nathan taught a class on our destiny, and what keeps us on the path that God has called us to walk. What keeps us on the path? Accountability. With accountability comes honesty, not only with others, but with ourselves. We have to be honest with ourselves and the things that are going on in our lives. When we start losing our honesty with ourselves, we begin to allow things into our lives that will lead us astray, and we'll convince ourselves that nothing is wrong until we are on a rabbit trail and off of God's path. It starts with a thought, and when we lose our honesty, we begin to defend ourselves for our thoughts, and thoughts lead to action, and we begin to defend our actions until we've convinced ourselves that we're okay and we are so far off of the path of God. It's crazy to think that it all starts with a thought. We need people in our lives that will keep us accountable. We need friends that will resist us, and not just let us do our own thing. We need friends that will get in our face when we're messing up.

If there are any Midwest Master's Commission Alumni from 2002-2006 that could help me with an alumni list for each of those years, I would greatly appreciate it. I've been looking and I'm having a hard time. Thanks!!!

So, we're getting ready to leave for our Kansas/Minnesota trip and I'm so pumped!!! So are the youth from my church. We're doing a service there tonight and I know God is going to really use us to impart something into their lives. I'm also excited about seeing my family. It's only been a couple of weeks since I saw them last, but I really miss them. So, I'm excited about what God is going to do. Also, I've never been to Minnesota before, so I'm excited about seeing the landscape. I'll be taking tons of pictures. 

So, this morning during prayer, Scott put on some Jeremy Camp music, acoustic version, and it made me really happy. He came up to me and said he put it on for me. As soon as I heard his voice, I immediately thought of my one favorite song by him: I Still Believe. I just really wanted to hear that one song. Every time I hear it, it just breaks my heart and I can't help but cry. I think of my friend Beau every single time. So many questions run through my  mind. I remember that very  hard week right before Christmas break. I remember the sadness, guilt, pain, anger. Whenever I hear the song, that whole week comes rushing back to me.